i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
