btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
