how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
