Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
