everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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