What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
