what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
