2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
