nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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