So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
