I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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