Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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