I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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