My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
