My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
