the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
