My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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