I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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