someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
