The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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