another moral hangover. fuck.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
