For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
