Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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