Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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