My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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