Got a toothbrush?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
