you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
