I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
