I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
