Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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