I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
