question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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