If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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