Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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