the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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