Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
