Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
