sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
