we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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