Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
