Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize