You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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