Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
