i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm eating all of the evidence.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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