you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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