i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
