I want to walk on stilts...naked
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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