Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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