Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
