if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
