I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
