College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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