Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My pussy is not your playground.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
