spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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