had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
