Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
