I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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