Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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