I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Two words: nipple clamps
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