I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
